Now, don't take this the wrong way...

And now I’m choking on my tea because I wasn’t sitting up far enough.

Aaarghkk…khug…cak.

At least you can say I died doing what I loved.

I am fucking shit up in this bitch

Where by “fucking up” I mean drinking. And by “shit” I mean tea. And “this bitch”, obviously, is bed.

I am so gangsta. Where by “so gangsta” I mean “not at all gangsta”.

Thug life.

It’s almost midnight and Ronan, who is 8, is cleaning the kitchen

We’re getting a stove delivered tomorrow, and he’s decided that it’s his responsibility to get the kitchen ready. I’d normally make him go to bed, but it’s not a school night and it seems pretty important to him.

I’m up in my office working, and I can hear banging and crashing and screams of, “IT’S TOO MESSY! I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

It’s not messy. I’m not really sure what he’s decided needs to be changed.

He just came up to my office and said, “I almost had a heart attack, because I had to push a 400 LB STOVE AROUND.” The old stove was already out of the way. I don’t know. And then he left a box of recycling in my office. Because, “you have boxes.”

Now he’s in bed.

In other news, Enormous Horrible Document 2 of 3 has been delivered to the client with 20 minutes to spare. WHAT WILL I DO WITH ALL THIS TIMEZZZZZZzzzzzzz…SNORKch

jamarcucci asked: I love the way your glasses fit your balls exactly the same way they fit your face.

Thanks for helping me try them on. I know it was hard.

I’ve lost about 10 followers in the last 3 or 4 weeks

Some possible reasons:

• Replied to an anonymous message that included the word “buttfuck”. Implied that I wouldn’t mind being buttfucked if there was a handjob and some ball jiggling involved. That’s probably not true. We’ll never know now, will we?
• Posted a photo of my tired face. Eww.
• Added a bouncing penis to an animated gif of Mike.
• Wrote a poem about a vagina, or possibly kleenex.
• Posted a conversation about cannibalism.
• Implied that Katie’s mouth was full of penises. It’s probably not.

These are all excellent reasons to unfollow me. So, what’s wrong with the rest of you?

Vagina Poem

Deep between your quilted folds,
Stirring gently ’neath my nose,
Warm and wet, then pulled away,
To comfort me at close of day. 

Shit, I think I just wrote a poem about toilet paper. Fuck. I’m so STUPID. FUCK.

FORGET IT.

I’m chatting with someone in China about work stuff

He just typed, “Is this task is urgent? And has the end of time?”

I feel like I’m on That 70s Show. Any second now, the camera’s going to spin around to Ashton Kutcher laughing in a cloud of smoke.

What if is this task is urgent and, like, has the end of time?