February 2012
TWEETUMBLUP IN TORONTO! Saturday, June 16
torontup:
Come to Toronto! See Toronto stuff! Meet Toronto people! Drink Toronto drinks! Stare at Canadians! They probably won’t have a gun. If you’re already from Toronto or Canada, some of this stuff won’t be as exciting. I’m sorry.
There are two Jays games that weekend, and NXNE is on, so there should be plenty to do if you’re easily bored.
There’s a farm in the middle of the city. There’s...
Karen (to the cat): Why won’t you let me pet you? You’re supposed to be warm and snugly. You’re a disappointment as a pet.
Cat: …
Karen: Aah! Now she’s trying to bite me.
Me: I’d bite you too if you told me I was a disappointment as a pet.
Karen: You’re not my pet, though, you’re my husband. And you’re not a disappointment. Most of the time.
Me:...
Karen's eating granola
“Sometimes I get tired of chewing this cereal.”
I don't know sports, but I do know this
If your team won, you did a good job of being a fan. You deserve it. Nice one!
If your team didn’t win, you suck. Try harder next time. Would it kill you to put a fucking flag on your car or paint your face? Did you see the other team’s fans? They were much more fanatical. Do better next time.
I've never watched the Super Bowl
I’ve never even watched a football game. I enjoy Friday Night Lights, though. And your Super Bowl food looks pretty good.
Maybe I’ll watch Friday Night Lights and eat deep fried cheese balls out of a hollowed-out pig carcass filled with sour cream and bacon. Maybe sprinkle some chicken wings on there.
It's hard to play Scramble with Friends when your...
I’m delicious.
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Scramble with me
I’m rsmallbone on Scramble with friends, and I need new people to play with, because Kathleen’s been handing my ass to me.
She’s all like, “Did you drop something? Oh, yeah, look at that. It’s your ass. Here you go. Enjoy.”
What the fuck, Tim Hortons?
I stopped at the Tim Hortons drive thru this morning on the way from dropping the kids off at school. I ordered my usual XL tea with milk.
I got home and my tea is coffee. MY TEA IS COFFEE.
MY TEA IS COFFEE.
I don’t like Tim Hortons coffee.
EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT.
If you need me, I’ll be over here rolling around on the floor and moaning, like a mature adult.
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Your mom’s other ride is my face
Just designing some bumper stickers for the minivan.
I’m also thinking, “I don’t care about your stupid fucking stick people family or your fucking honour roll kid. Suck my dick.”
Might be a bit long.
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wordishness asked: Oh, I'm into it. I'M INTO IT.
January 2012
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WIDE AWAKE. CAN'T SLEEP.
TOTAL BULLSHIT.
I'm a romantic
Karen (reading home improvement flyers): “Do you want to transform a plain room into a luxurious hideaway by revitalizing your space with hardwood lumber?”
Me: I’d like to transform YOUR space with hardwood lumber.
Karen: You can’t even walk. Shut up.
Ouch
I know I’ve talked about it a little, but this current project I’m doing for work is killing me. There’s so much to do, and so little time that most days I’m sitting in front of my computer from when I get up to when I go to bed, with, sometimes, breaks to eat.
That means no time to go to the gym or even walk around the block. Believe it or not, sitting all day every day...
And now I'm choking on my tea because I wasn't...
Aaarghkk…khug…cak.
At least you can say I died doing what I loved.
I am fucking shit up in this bitch
Where by “fucking up” I mean drinking. And by “shit” I mean tea. And “this bitch”, obviously, is bed.
I am so gangsta. Where by “so gangsta” I mean “not at all gangsta”.
Thug life.
It's almost midnight and Ronan, who is 8, is...
We’re getting a stove delivered tomorrow, and he’s decided that it’s his responsibility to get the kitchen ready. I’d normally make him go to bed, but it’s not a school night and it seems pretty important to him.
I’m up in my office working, and I can hear banging and crashing and screams of, “IT’S TOO MESSY! I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
...
jamarcucci asked: I love the way your glasses fit your balls exactly the same way they fit your face.
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I've lost about 10 followers in the last 3 or 4...
Some possible reasons:
Replied to an anonymous message that included the word “buttfuck”. Implied that I wouldn’t mind being buttfucked if there was a handjob and some ball jiggling involved. That’s probably not true. We’ll never know now, will we?
Posted a photo of my tired face. Eww.
Added a bouncing penis to an animated gif of Mike.
Wrote a poem about a vagina, or possibly...
Vagina Poem
Deep between your quilted folds, Stirring gently ’neath my nose, Warm and wet, then pulled away, To comfort me at close of day.
Shit, I think I just wrote a poem about toilet paper. Fuck. I’m so STUPID. FUCK.
FORGET IT.
I’m chatting with someone in China about work...
He just typed, “Is this task is urgent? And has the end of time?”
I feel like I’m on That 70s Show. Any second now, the camera’s going to spin around to Ashton Kutcher laughing in a cloud of smoke.
What if is this task is urgent and, like, has the end of time?
Anonymous asked: I want to buttfuck you so hard you have to have your colon replaced.
I took the old toilet seat off today before I...
So I basically have to boil my hands in bleach. Boys are gross.
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This week on Discovery.
luckyshirt replied to your photo: I’m not sorry. I’m kind of sorry. No, not really.
Oh my god I started working on the exact same thing, then stopped. I just couldn’t. Now I have three frames of cartoon Mike penis.
“Unfinished Penis Animation, The Mick Minnick Story”
mississippi-dick asked: what is your name sir? i am wary in believing the things i've heard... (for fairness) my given name is Richard Schmidtling.
I have ONE thing to do for work. ONE THING.
You know, right after I paint this cartoon boner on this animated gif.
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beefranck asked: We made out? WHY DON'T I REMEMBER?!?
Aidan: I wonder what person meat would taste like?
Me: You know what I've noticed? Meat tastes like the animal's poop smells. If you go to a sheep farm, it will smell like lamb. Cow poop smells beefy. Horse poop is sweeter. I think it would depend on what the person ate, too, like if they only ate fruit.
Karen: I wonder what aliens would feed us if they were planning on eating us?
Ronan: What's for supper?
