January 2012
jamarcucci asked: I love the way your glasses fit your balls exactly the same way they fit your face.
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I've lost about 10 followers in the last 3 or 4...
Some possible reasons:
Replied to an anonymous message that included the word “buttfuck”. Implied that I wouldn’t mind being buttfucked if there was a handjob and some ball jiggling involved. That’s probably not true. We’ll never know now, will we?
Posted a photo of my tired face. Eww.
Added a bouncing penis to an animated gif of Mike.
Wrote a poem about a vagina, or possibly...
Vagina Poem
Deep between your quilted folds, Stirring gently ’neath my nose, Warm and wet, then pulled away, To comfort me at close of day.
Shit, I think I just wrote a poem about toilet paper. Fuck. I’m so STUPID. FUCK.
FORGET IT.
I’m chatting with someone in China about work...
He just typed, “Is this task is urgent? And has the end of time?”
I feel like I’m on That 70s Show. Any second now, the camera’s going to spin around to Ashton Kutcher laughing in a cloud of smoke.
What if is this task is urgent and, like, has the end of time?
Anonymous asked: I want to buttfuck you so hard you have to have your colon replaced.
I took the old toilet seat off today before I...
So I basically have to boil my hands in bleach. Boys are gross.
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This week on Discovery.
luckyshirt replied to your photo: I’m not sorry. I’m kind of sorry. No, not really.
Oh my god I started working on the exact same thing, then stopped. I just couldn’t. Now I have three frames of cartoon Mike penis.
“Unfinished Penis Animation, The Mick Minnick Story”
mississippi-dick asked: what is your name sir? i am wary in believing the things i've heard... (for fairness) my given name is Richard Schmidtling.
I have ONE thing to do for work. ONE THING.
You know, right after I paint this cartoon boner on this animated gif.
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beefranck asked: We made out? WHY DON'T I REMEMBER?!?
Aidan: I wonder what person meat would taste like?
Me: You know what I've noticed? Meat tastes like the animal's poop smells. If you go to a sheep farm, it will smell like lamb. Cow poop smells beefy. Horse poop is sweeter. I think it would depend on what the person ate, too, like if they only ate fruit.
Karen: I wonder what aliens would feed us if they were planning on eating us?
Ronan: What's for supper?
I was working until 6:30 this morning. I got two...
I can’t promise I won’t accidentally text you a photo of my wang today. Or possibly someone else’s, if I’m quick enough at the urinals.
Rat Puff, International Man of Mystery.
The man of a thousand cheeses.
I’m yelling at all of the people today.
I don’t yell, so if it’s happening I’m either totally stressed out or they deserve it. Today it’s both.
Kind of a win-win.
We need a new toilet seat.
No amount of bleach can undo what two boys can do to a toilet seat. I don’t understand what voodoo it takes to totally miss the toilet, but somehow drench the seat.
My office is next to the bathroom, so every time they go, I have to yell “Lift the seat! STOP! Flush! Come back and wash your hands! Yes, you have to. I don’t care what you’re watching. I don’t want our entire...
My school was predominantly atheist, so we had a...
And then some religious kid complained and we had to take it down.
Football is stupid
But I support the right of anyone to breastfeed on the sidelines.
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Watch for my new series, Downtown Applebee’s,...
It’s a period drama, following an aristocratic British family and their servants, who all work at Applebee’s. The one downtown. You know the one. Yeah, by the Target.
I haven’t decided if critics are going to call it “… a raging tour-de-force…” or “…a frothing, anarchic will-o’-the-wisp.” I guess it depends how much nudity is involved. My current plan is for all nudity, all the time, with the...
This is how burned out I am.
I was walking to the sink with an empty bowl when I got a text. It took me way too long to realize that the reason I couldn’t read the text was because you can’t get texts on a bowl.
Prepare to unfollow
I thought it was “DownTOWN Abbey” until, like, yesterday. How long have you guys been talking about this show? It’s been a decade at least, right?
I thought it was kind of an unusual name, but I’m slow and easily tricked.
I’m also pretty excited to start watching Dr. Whoa.
That’s a conversation stopper
We’re at my parents, and Ronan was telling everyone about a show he saw on the Comedy network.
“The guy was typing on his phone, and he was trying to type ‘corkscrew’, and it said, ‘Do you mean COCKSUCKER?’”
Ahem.
Something something "Santorum" something something...
I don’t know. I’m tired.
Dear Canadian friends:
tj:
yummycupcakes:
I enjoy shopping on the internet. I love to get stuff in the mail. It’s exciting for me. (ok, I’m easily excitable) Over on Facebook, I saw a post about getting some free Zoya nail polish if you purchased one. So I went to the site and spent lots of time picking out beautiful colours of nail polish. I filled up my bag and was quite pleased with all the lovely stuff that...
I’m working on a challenging project
If I told you all of the stuff that had to be completed, and the amount of time that we have to get it done, you’d cry, “But that’s not possible! It’s too much! Oh, the humanity!”
But somehow we’ll get this done. We’re professionals.
The stress it’s causing me is an amount with which you might be familiar: quite a lot.
I thought that writing this out might relieve some of the pressure, like...
This is the year I finally kick my crippling...
…
Well, there’s always next year.
December 2011
Things Ronan has said in the last ten minutes.
“Our house is on our street. Our street is in Stratford, which is in Ontario. Ontario is in Canada, which is in our continent, which is on the world, which is in our galaxy, which is in the universe, which is in my butt.”
“Daddy, if you’d bought a lottery ticket we probably would have won and I’d be able to get all the Lego I want.”
“I got the cat to wear sunglasses, and I’ve...
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halfbakedidea replied to your post: Melatonin, how does it work?
Did you really push it hard up into your butt? Sometimes you gotta just get it up in there. Just really cram that melatonin in your butt.
I’ll try that tonight. I’ll ask Karen to help me. We could use a stick or a bottle to get it right up in there.
Melatonin, how does it work?
Not at all, for me, apparently.
I take Adderall for ADD, so some nights I’m still bouncing off the walls when I should be sleeping. Both times I’ve tried melatonin to help me get to sleep, I’ve ended up not being able to sleep at all, and I’m exhausted the next day.
What am I doing wrong? It’s supposed to go in my butt, right?
Ugh. It's too early to still be alive.
Everything is bullshit. Where’s my coffee?
I'm almost finished my work.
It’s a Christmas miracle! Just in time for Christmas Steve. He’s the guy who delivers warm, creamy egg nog to the Christmas beaver.
You don’t question tradition. Or Christmas Steve. Especially when he’s drunk.